The Power of Self-Talk
How do you talk to yourself when you’re going through major life adjustments? A mom told me recently about changing jobs after twenty years at the same firm. The routines are unfamiliar, there are lots of steep learning curves, and she tells herself it’s natural to be tired in the evenings and want to go to bed early. She realizes there will be a period of transition, and that awareness helps her to not criticize herself when she’s not getting everything outside of work done.
This self-forgiving, realistic attitude toward handling transitions is an important model for helping children adjust to a new situation. The first weeks of school, even for older children, involve complex neurological and emotional processes. New third graders recently clapped because they were going to learn multiplication for the first time, but that exciting new learning may leave them a little tired or grouchy at the end of the day.
The dramatic nature of adapting is most apparent in preschool, where children demonstrate their unfamiliarity with new adults, new peers, and a novel environment by crying or clinging until they gradually feel safe. One teacher characterizes this settling process as the child gradually being available to enjoy themselves.
However, even after they feel comfortable, children may fall apart when a parent picks them up in the afternoon, or they may suddenly say they don’t want to go to school in the morning. In America, we expect quick adjustments, and parents may feel embarrassed when their child takes longer to feel comfortable at school. I say hurrah for slow adjusters and those adults who work hard to give them what they need.
The efforts parents and teachers put into supporting children through change when they are young prepare them to talk to themselves kindly when they are going through transitions in the future. Adults support children through change in many ways. Preschool teachers tell children, “You are safe. Your mom (or dad) is coming back. You’re being so brave.” Over time children learn to say those reassuring things to themselves. Later, a child entering middle school will optimally have learned to tell herself, “This is all new, and it will take me time to get used to it.” That extends into adulthood. It’s called “giving oneself grace."
As a community, we need grace too. The parents and teachers I talk to every day are often going through substantial changes and life challenges themselves. Often family members or loved ones are struggling with health or other major crises. How wonderful it is when we can approach each other with tenderness and a desire to offer loving support.
