A New Vision of Friendship

The term "my new best friend" popped into our culture as the title of a British comedy series. (Didn’t we always use this phrase?) The popularity of the phrase, offers an insightful, positive perspective on relationships in this 21^st century. At the time this idiom emerged, a New York Times article explored the idea that, with the modern tendency of children to spend most of the day in groups, finding an enduring best friend for your child may be an antiquated concept. The article didn’t imply that close friendships will ever be out of date, only that the romanticized ideal of Tom Sawyer—Huck Finn exclusivity may no longer be the trend.

The image of a “best friend” often comes up in preschool. Children today typically spend many hours with their peers, and it’s easy to think every child should have a bosom buddy. Preschoolers may be drawn to each other, but they have to acquire self-control to learn to play with each other in respectful ways. It’s helpful for them to find ways have fun with many of their classmates in harmonious ways. As they grow older, children often make friends, and those relationships provide learning as well as enjoyment. Learning to negotiate, make mutually satisfying decisions, and cope with hurt feelings “stretches” children and sometimes stresses them.

Our culture prizes extroverted qualities which can skew our perspectives. There are lots of ways for children to make their way in the world and not everyone is a “people person.” We all learn about friendship in our own unique ways. Since we all want our children to be loved, parents often express concern about whether their child has a friend. If a child doesn’t have a best friend by kindergarten, they sometimes worry that all the friendship slots will be taken and their child will miss the brass ring. It also causes natural parental anxiety when children report “No one played with me” today or “I don’t have any friends.” However, it’s helpful not to panic. To understand the context of children’s end-of-the-day complaints, one would have to be present to observe their interactions with classmates. “I don’t have any friends” frequently means someone wouldn’t do what I wanted. Ask your child’s teacher about the dynamics of classroom and playground play. Sometimes, children do feel excluded, and teachers can suggest ways for them to reach out to others.

The term “my new best friend” suggests a more relaxed, open quality to relationships that changes with our needs and our development. The beauty of children growing up in groups is that they can learn to appreciate many different people and to pay attention to the potential that others might feel excluded.

It’s fun for us to learn as a community how to be everyone’s “new best friend.”