To Tell the Truth

My favorite story about catching oneself in a lie happened at school. I was eating lunch in a classroom when a five-year-old spotted a chocolate chip cookie on the floor and picked it up, eagerly holding it next to her lips. “Is that yours?” I asked. “Yes,” she responded eagerly. Then she paused, and it seemed as if a shadow fell across her heart. She quickly smiled and said “Just kidding” apologetically and put the cookie back on the table.

I could identify with her dilemma. It’s hard to tell the truth in the face of so much temptation. It’s also hard to tell the truth if you think you’re going to get in trouble for taking something that’s not yours. This little girl was brave. It’s normal at her age to impulsively say it was hers. How had she learned the importance of being honest?

It’s typical for younger children to impulsively say “That’s mine!” even when another child is playing with an object. Ask a two-year-old if a toy belongs to her when someone else is playing with it, she’s likely to say yes. The idea of truth is abstract to preschoolers, who are just learning the difference between fantasy and reality. Yet the five-year-old who found the cookie had achieved some understanding that telling the truth was desirable.

It’s helpful to understand that being honest is a learned trait and that parents and teachers can help children develop it in concrete ways. Research points to the development of trust as crucial for children learning honesty—trust that saying what actually happened when you messed up won’t result in a negative reaction.  

A kindergarten mom told me that her son always felt like he was blamed if he got in a fight with his brother. But she taught him that he could trust that she would listen to him empathically when he told the truth about what had provoked him. Feeling safe to be honest isn’t always easy, and it’s helpful when we can talk to children about their struggles with telling the truth in uncomfortable situations. 

Does your family value honesty? Instead of lecturing about it, you can point out truth-telling occurring in books, movies, TV programs, and, most importantly, in real life. Praising a child for telling the truth in various situations is the most powerful way to teach them about honesty, and doing so is a lifetime investment. As children get older and have lives outside the home, their confidence that they can tell us anything helps us stay in touch. And like the little girl with the cookie, it builds in the trust that they can always unburden their hearts.