Do-Overs: A Second Chance

Games often have strict rules about getting things right the first time. For example, the rules of Scrabble state that you can’t change your mind once you lift your hand off a tile placed on the board. In kickball there are no re-kicks, or “mulligans,” for a missed kick or bad play. Once the ball is kicked, the play is considered live.

Of course, sometimes people playing games agree to let others have another turn. However, in ordinary life being able to have a second chance, or “do-over,” is an important way we all learn from mistakes and repair upset feelings when situations go awry. A do-over in any sphere of life usually allows us do the same thing with more awareness.

At school we sometimes use do-overs to help children gently reflect on a behavior and self-correct. A child running across a preschool classroom may be asked to go back and walk quietly across the room. In like fashion, when elementary children take off in a burst of energy running down the steps to meet their parents after school, teachers will often ask them to please go back and walk.

Why have them go through the action over again when the teacher could just remind them of the “no running in the halls” rule? Having children repeat the same action more mindfully can create new neural pathways in their brains and build more considerate habits.

Teachers may also ask for do-overs when children forget and speak to them in demanding or disrespectful ways. Before they accede to the child’s request, they might insist, “Could you say that in a nicer way?” Asking children to change their tone of voice gives them practice in speaking politely and repairing situations when they might not realize that the way they are speaking could be offensive to others.

Parents also report asking children to repeat requests in a more modulated manner at home. Again, it’s going through the process of trying a different tone that helps children understand how to speak others in a harmonious way.

The concept of starting over is also helpful when two people, an adult and a child or two peers, are having a heated argument with no resolution in the offing. Introducing the idea of a pause—“Can we have a do-over?”—allows both people to stop and think. The idea of a do-over implies that starting fresh could bring mutually satisfying solutions. 

Historically, do-overs were used as a form of punishment for children, like writing a sentence 100 times on a blackboard—“I will not speak out of turn.” Those punitive practices often caused more anger than the desire to do better next time. Ideally, the modern do-over includes the understanding that we all need second chances, and our willingness to start over reflects our caring and ability to be generous with one another.