Good Enough Parenting
Your daughter is frantic because her younger brother took one of her belongings and won’t admit it, but you’re about to leave for school. Usually you would stop, listen, and work it out, but you haven’t got the bandwidth or the time. Instead, you say, “We have to leave and talk about this later.” Not an ideal way to start the day, but during our Oct 20, panel discussion on “Helping Children Ride Waves of Frustration,” psychotherapist and parent coach, Samantha Watson-Alvarado shared her chagrin that this recently happened to her.
Her tale illustrates the day-to-day reality that the respective abilities of children and adults to manage the inevitable bumps of life are intertwined. Situations that upset our children can understandably throw us off balance. The panelists noted that parents often think they have to get everything right. They emphasized how important it is to see mistakes as part of being human and concentrate on reconnecting with our children when things have gone awry.
The story’s conclusion: when Samantha’s children got home that afternoon, she noted that it had been a hard morning and apologized for not stopping to listen to her daughter’s feelings and getting her possessions back. After hearing what happened, she had a serious conversation with her son about being honest.
Samantha’s children are older (daughter, 12, son, 10), and she felt they could understand the concept of postponing the discussion. Still, she felt bad about not listening in the moment. However, the panelists agreed that in a tough situation the most important first step is for parents to calm themselves, as soothing their own nervous system helps the child self-regulate. Panel members emphasized that “good enough parenting” happens when parents own their mistakes but make amends by taking responsibility, apologizing, and resolving the situation, as Samantha did with her children.
This is an important topic and a complex one that deserves more in-depth exploration where we can discuss challenges at different ages. We look forward to more opportunities for people to talk about demanding situations and get the tools they need to feel successful. The mom of a three-year-old who attended the panel discussion said, “The idea that our children need to experience struggle to build resilience and that we can be their calm in the storm while they work through hard moments really stayed with me.”
It’s easy to underestimate how hard parenting is, and taking the time to unpack challenges can bring clarity. I invite anyone who would like to talk about parenting issues to simply come by my office (which is inside the main office) on Wednesday mornings at 8:30 to chat or email me to set up an appointment. Here are the notes from the panel.
