Embracing Rules

Our school librarian, Mari Ponghamsing, asked children to create bookmarks that illustrate important rules about caring for books. She hoped that thinking about the value and fragility of books would increase their ability to handle them in respectful ways. They showed fascinating creativity, and after the project Mari made a bookmark display in the library for all to see.

Although many of the illustrations were humorous, they also reflected valuable insights: “Don’t squeeze pickle juice on books” and “Don’t bring books into the shower” both highlight the risk of getting books wet. “Avoiding placing them on a railroad track” indicates an understanding that they are crushable and certainly shows out-of-the-box thinking.

Simple guidelines like “Don’t get books wet” help us to handle objects in respectfully. But rules also provide a basis for interacting in ways that don’t hurt others. This is the basis for many of the discussions we have about rules at school at every age level. Starting in preschool, teachers discuss rules that help children internalize the idea of not hurting each other when they are upset. They might ask, “Why do we have a rule about not grabbing things from other people?” Teachers often make up stories that highlight common conflicts and ask children the best ways of handling them.

In the elementary school, teachers talk in more nuanced ways about speaking to others respectfully and solving problems in kind, productive ways. For example, in kindergarten teachers recently asked children to offer their ideas for how to line up in more productive ways that can eliminate problems like pushing or going in front of someone. Talking about positive ways of treating each other more considerately can also lead to commitments.

In second grade, Shelby Gregg and Brenda Barnhart brainstorm with their class every year to generate commitments about the ways they will agree as a class to treat each other. They call this exercise The Class Promise, and it’s posted on the class wall. The posted promises include many kinds of behavior: not intruding on others’ personal space, not touching another person without their permission, not laughing at others or being critical of the way they are communicating. Since our school theme this year is creating caring community, one of the second-grade class promises stood out to me: “We will be kind to each other and speak kindly of others even when they are not around.”

Why would a commitment to speak kindly about their classmates even when they aren’t around be important? The answers are varied and complex. Teachers want children to think about their classmates in kind, inclusive ways and to build social skills that will serve them when they face challenges in the future. That can involve learning to use ”I statements” (“I don’t like it when you grab the ball out of my hand”) in order to work out conflicts with another child, rather than reacting with hurtful words or walking away angry.

Teachers take the long view. They want students to expand their capacity to understand another person’s perspective, empathize with others’ feelings, and be accountable for their own missteps. Those are abilities they can take with them into the world.

It’s helpful when parents know about school rules and talk about them with their children in ways that promote respect for teachers and classmates. We encourage parents to get curious about what children think about rules, even when their ideas sound funny, and to use discussions to develop family guidelines. All the efforts we make at school and at home to guide children in positive, nurturing ways create ripples of good feeling that can permeate countless situations now and in the future.