Have Children Make Choices

“Do you want to set the table or clear the plates after dinner?” Most of us know that offering choices is often a key to gaining cooperation when children are resistant to doing something. Ask a toddler who is balking at leaving the house if he’d rather run or walk to the car and watch his motivation change. But compliance isn’t the only benefit to providing choices.

Practice making decisions helps children create a pathway for trusting their intuition and feeling competent in the world. Adults support their growth by remembering to offer choices and noticing children’s budding abilities to make good ones. We can strengthen even the youngest child’s capacity for positive decision making by recognizing when it happens. “I think you checked in with your body and made a good choice to rest.” Creating Rituals Some families have been successful setting a time every week to make choices about chores. Each Saturday everyone in the family chooses a job they want for the week, even small tasks like putting forks on the table. There can also be a Saturday ritual for choosing a form of entertainment, with a different family member deciding on a game or movie each week. Bedtimes can also include a ritual for reflecting the day’s choices: “I’m glad I chose to call my friend rather than watching TV. It turns out she was really lonely.” Weighing and Balancing It’s never easy to be certain about the choices we want to give children. We all know there is a thin line between helping children to be capable decision makers and giving in so much that they become demanding, entitled beings. It’s good to remember that children get anxious when they can pull adults into giving in on boundaries or time limits they’ve already set. Part of development is learning to respect other people’s choices, whether they are teachers, family, or friends. “Your sister said she didn’t want to play; let’s respect that.”

One of the barometers of good decision making at any age is our ability to talk about the process and grow in understanding of ourselves and each other.

This Psychology Today article has wonderful ideas for handling choice giving with children.

Learning Mindfulness Together

A second-grade teacher fills a large jar with water, then swirls glitter inside, creating a visual image of what our emotions might look like when they are dysregulated and chaotic. As the sparkles settle on the bottom, she points out that this is an image of what happens when we calm our feelings. At snack time, a preschool teacher asks children to eat slowly, to take time chewing, and really taste the food, noticing the colors, textures, and smell.

These are just a couple of the many ways White Pony and Meher School teachers help students of different ages learn about mindfulness – the process of becoming aware of what’s going on internally and in the external world.

The evidence suggests that developing the ability to tune in to the present moment increases focus, self-regulation, and happiness. It is especially timely right now in this period of full of unexpected and challenging situations (“Oh no, not another change!”), and luckily the world abounds with resources that provide families with delightful ways to engage in doing this learning together.

The best way to learn about mindfulness is through practice, so we can remind each other that all we have is this present moment. Some mindfulness resources:

MindUp: Books and digital experiences

Actor Goldie Hawn has developed a program that teaches children from a young age about the parts of their brain and how to self-regulate. In 2003 she founded MindUp, a research-based program to help children learn about the “plasticity” of their brains and understand and manage their feelings. There are MindUp curriculum books for different ages, and the program has just gone digital, with free online offerings.

Sticky Brains: A book for children and adults

Sticky Brains, by Nicole Lubin, teaches children about the brain’s negative bias, which causes negative experiences to stick in our minds. The main character, Aria, learns that she has brain-changing powers (as does the reader) – she can make good thoughts stick by paying attention to them in a new way.

Cosmic Kids: A YouTube series on yoga and mindfulness. Actor and yoga teacher Jamie Amor invites children into her Zen Den for yoga exercises and captivating stories. Tune in to the Cosmic Kids Yoga channel.

Growing Mindful cards: Cards for teaching mindfulness

Suitable for all ages, this 58-card deck by Mitch Abblett and Chris Willard includes activities to teach awareness, being present in the moment, and cultivating kindness and curiosity.

Feeling Left Out

A third-grade boy recently shared his vision of being an ally. He wants to make a friend in every class so he can support anyone who might be having social difficulties or feeling left out. How unusual for a child his age to have the ability to think about issues of inclusion and exclusion and to try to come up with solutions. It’s not a kind of thinking we’re very good at in our culture.

Parents are understandably often perplexed about how to help children, particularly girls, navigate situations where they sometimes feel left out.

Girls more often complain about exclusion than boys, but that maybe because it’s more acceptable for girls to verbalize vulnerability. Boys’ behavior often deteriorates when they are having difficulties with exclusion. Whether it’s in preschool or middle school, it can be upsetting when your favorite friend hangs out with someone else.

Psychologists emphasize validating a child’s feelings: “You felt left out when your friend went off with someone else.” It can be hard to just sit and listen to a child who’s upset about feeling rejected by a friend. Well-known researcher on vulnerability Brene Brown has created the “Whole-Hearted Parenting Manifesto,” outlining many commitments parents can make, like listening to children when they are having painful feelings.

Trying to diminish a child’s upset by asserting that their perspectives aren’t real – “I know you have friends” – or asking “Why don’t you just be with someone else if your friend is busy ?” can shut off a child’s inner wisdom about how to perceive and handle experience. “What do I like in a friend?” “How do I express my needs to others?”

It’s easy to get angry and even demonize those who are doing the excluding, but in most cases the intent isn’t leave anybody out, only to pursue their own social agenda.

We all unconsciously exclude at times. However, the bigger question is how do we expand everyone’s consciousness to have more sensitivity about including others?

Exploring these themes in open and honest ways helps children tap into their resources. When parents say “Sometimes I realize I was leaving somebody out, and I apologize,” the conversation can create a deeper understanding of the commonality of these issues.

Raising questions with all children, like the third-grade boy did – “What can we do to notice and help someone who feels left out?” – can be the foundation for important discussions at home and in the classroom.

These are questions that help cultivate greater awareness in creating a more inclusive world, but especially for our whole Meher Schools community, founded on principles of kindness, unity, and creating a sense of belonging for everyone.

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In her bestselling book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, vulnerability researcher Brene Brown, PhD, shares her Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto.