Promoting Empathy

Room 1 teacher Chris Cameron called me aside last week to tell me about a touching situation with one of the four-year-olds in his class. In spite of the fact that the boy is new to our school and just getting to know his classmates, Chris has seen him demonstrate a high level of empathy. Recently when the boy noticed that a child across the room was upset about his parent leaving, the four-year-old went over and comforted him, saying, “Your mom will come back. She will always come back.”

It seemed obvious that someone had empathized with him in that kind of caring way that he remembered the words. However, the ability to reach out empathically to another child isn’t something we want to take for granted. How wonderful when adults notice children acting in caring ways and comment on their efforts.

Noticing the beginnings of empathy

Noticing a child’s ability to show empathy can start at an early age. Toddlers sometimes respond to a parent’s or sibling’s upsets with genuine concern and may even attempt to physically soothe them or offer them a toy.  

Emotional contagion occurs before a child has developed a separate self from the other person. The Room 1 student demonstrated a more mature stage of development by showing that he understood his sad classmate was in a different mental state than he was but nonetheless felt he could offer help. That developmental ability is called a “theory of mind,” a child’s gradual capacity to understand that other people have different feelings and perspectives than they do, and they can choose how to respond to them.

Building children’s prosocial skills

Developing empathy and the ability to try to understand another person’s perspective isn’t automatic. There are even psychological assessments designed to reveal how empathic an adult or a child is. People with low scores on empathy often have problems relating to others, especially when there’s a dispute. Intense feelings can obscure our perceptions of what’s going on outside of us. The ability to self-calm and open ourselves to another person’s point of view when we are upset can be something we work on throughout our lives.

Lowering stress through our understanding

Parents and teachers play big roles in helping children develop empathic skills. At the most basic level, children need to learn to read facial expressions and the feelings behind them. We help by calling attention to others’ feelings. “I understand that you’re angry that your brother took your toy. Let’s look at his face and see if we can figure out what he’s feeling.”

We can aid children’s understanding of themselves and others by talking about the feelings of characters in books and movies. However, the most important way we encourage children to develop a caring attitude toward others is by offering them empathy. In his pivotal research, professor emeritus Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington found that listening to children’s feelings in an understanding, accepting way, rather than dismissing them, consistently lowers stress hormones in their bloodstreams.

Practicing stress reduction 

Paying attention to a child’s level of stress is important. Coaching children to breathe and calm themselves and giving them words to express feelings when they’re upset is an important investment in helping them learn to self-regulate. “I see you’re having big feelings. I feel that way sometimes. Let’s take some deep breaths and talk about the situation.”

This coaching, and even role-playing, can help children practice not lashing out at others physically and verbally when they’re distressed or disappointed. This learning starts early and often continues with older children and adolescents because it doesn’t always come easily. Children’s temperaments, including the intensity of their reactions, their energy levels, and comfort with other people are highly individual. Children who have a hard time socially benefit from extra support or participation in a social-skills group.

Asking for an end-of-the-day report 

Helping children learn how to treat others empathically is task for all of us as we create a more caring community. How can we reach out to one another like that four-year-old did when someone is in need? When children come home from school, try asking if they helped anyone feel happy that day.

Beginning on October 22, we will offer monthly workshops on helping children develop social skills.