Children are often uneven in their development. Some who are very verbal or advanced in physical skills are younger socially. Examples might be a four-year-old who is only capable playing next to someone and can’t keep up with the negotiating involved in elaborate imaginary play (“You be the mom kitty and I’ll be the sister kitty going to the store”) or an 11-year-old who still enjoys playing with stuffed animals.
It is compassionate when adults understand that a child’s social self is operating at a younger level than their chronological age and allow them opportunities to play on a level they enjoy. Instead of taking the approach that children should be able to act more maturely, we want to meet them where they are and slowly try to build their abilities.
When children are under stress because of illness in the family, a new baby, or changing residence, they often revert to a younger stage of development in their abilities to cope. One of our former staff members, Bob Royeton, who was also a child therapist, reminded us that regression is normal and is a way for a child to preserve and strengthen their budding sense of self.
During times when children regress, we often see more emotional upsets about little things. The antidote when children are stressed is trying to stabilize routines, to slow life down where possible, and offer more comforting one-on-one time with adults.
This week we are convening a new eight-week social-skills group in preschool, where five children will meet weekly for a special play session with child therapist Katrinca Ford. She will help these preschoolers practice asking someone to play, negotiating turns, and playing games that promote self-regulation. Some families use the services of a child therapist to help children integrate difficult feelings and develop more self-confidence. How wonderful when children can get the support they need when they are young.
Children gets lots of opportunities to stretch their social skills in fun ways at school, but social skills can also be learned at home. Playing games like “red light-green light” or “Mother, may I?” or freeze-dancing gives children a chance to initiate an action, then stop it. Board games teach turn taking, negotiating, and patience.
Some forms of home play like wrestling or an adult chasing a child like a monster are fun and stimulating but don’t teach the ability to act with self-regulation in a setting with others.
As with any learning, we want to notice the times when children reach for a more mature way of interacting with others, expressing feelings in words, offering empathy, and showing caring actions toward others. As children get older, these pro-social abilities will allow them to express their unique talents in more nuanced and complex ways.
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