Two fourth grade boys were fooling around on the playground when one of them suddenly hit the other. A teacher walked over to see what was happening. “He hit me,” the victim complained. “It was because you kept grabbing me over and over when we were playing tag,” the boy who had hit him explained. The boy who had been hit by his friend thought about it and said, “Yeah, you’re right—I was grabbing you a lot!” His complete honesty disarmed the situation, and the boys started playing tag again.
Of course it would have been better if the boy who was annoyed expressed his irritation in words or even said “Stop grabbing me,” rather than hitting. Yet we all make mistakes, and how wonderful it is when a child feels safe enough to be completely honest, rather than defending his actions and perpetuating an argument.
Feeling safe to be honest
Honesty is powerful. If you would like your child to learn to be honest, one of the places to start is having discussions about what being honest means. When a child admits to doing something that she knows she shouldn’t have, we can focus on the fact that she was honest about what happened, rather than focusing our energy on her transgression: “You were really honest about taking your sister’s toy. That’s brave of you. Being honest is important.”
One of the ways of exploring the subject of honesty is remembering what allowed you to feel safe being honest as a child. Historically, people tried to get children to be honest by punishing them when they caught them in a lie. This often resulted in children, especially adolescents, becoming accomplished at evading the truth.
One of the reasons children at our school feel safe being honest is that teachers don’t respond punitively when children make a mistake. The teacher involved in the incident mentioned above didn’t shame the boy for hitting, even though hitting isn’t a common occurrence in fourth grade. She listened to his reasons and encouraged both boys to mend their disagreement and go on playing.
Research shows that elementary children are more apt to be honest when teachers express trust in them. The whole atmosphere feels harmonious and calm when children feel safe being truthful because they don’t have to fear being embarrassed or talked to in a punitive way. One of the “stands” of the Nurtured Heart Approach is not leaking negativity by giving intensity to negative behavior and simply asking children to reset, so they can quickly readjust and continue an activity.
Honesty as a family policy
When families talk about honesty, parents can discuss times when they found it hard to be honest as children but had the courage to do be truthful anyway. Adults can also talk about situations in their lives now and why they think being honest is important. Imagine a world where people freely admitted their mistakes rather than simply defending themselves or blaming others.
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