Avoiding Labels

I was so grateful that a father took time recently to email me about his hope that his daughter wouldn’t be labeled as shy the way he was as a child. His thoughtful, non-blaming letter was about an incident that occurred during our spring daycare week. Teachers rotate in and out of classrooms during daycare weeks. His child was warmly welcomed one morning by an unfamiliar teacher. When his little girl didn’t respond right away, the teacher commented kindly, “She’s shy!”

An unintentional label

The father knew the teacher was offering a statement of understanding. Yet, based on his childhood, it felt like a label was assigned to his daughter in that moment. If people continued to refer to her that way, he was sensitive to the way that could influence the way she thought about herself. That’s what happened to him as a child. When he felt reserved or cautious in a new situation, adults had described him to others as shy. Being assigned the identity of a shy person felt limiting to him.

We all have varying levels of comfort in different social situations. Some people love introducing themselves to new people and others like to get to know others gradually and scope out a situation. American culture tends to value extroverts and admire the ability to make quick relationships, so shyness can seem like a deficit. Room 1 teacher Chris Cameron and I have noted that in preschool interviews, parents often apologize in advance, explaining that their child might be cautious and slow to warm up when they first come to school. Our response is always “Why wouldn’t they be?”

What traits does our culture value?

In some other cultures being cautious, discerning, and taking time to get to know others are considered admirable qualities and being forward seems intrusive. It’s helpful to look at the big picture of our assumptions. I was so grateful to this father who took the time to explore a topic that could be of interest to our whole community. His concern raises questions about assigning traits to children at a particular stage of development.

It makes me think about another, almost opposite term sometimes used affectionately about children who are very gregarious: chatterbox. I read a post recently from a mom whose child never stops talking all day. Some children love to talk, and their words constantly overflow and spill out. Would calling a child a chatterbox because she’s very talkative in a particular stage of development shape her thinking about herself? It’s estimated that four-year-olds ask the question “Why?” about 200 times a day. That doesn’t mean they will ask constant questions as they get older.

Let children hear you admiring their qualities

The Nurtured Heart Approach applauds the practice of letting children hear adults saying positive things about them to others. What if a child heard an adult describing how wonderfully cautious she was in a new situation? Or conversely, how many great ideas she expresses in words?

As we know, children are learning how to be in the world, partly from the way others respond to them, and from the richness they already have inside them. When we don’t view them as having fixed traits like shyness, talkativeness, stubbornness, and impulsiveness but instead focus on the ways they are growing, we allow them to have an evolving sense of self. It’s a way we can help them see all people as evolving.

For more on the subject of shyness, see the Huffington Post article “10 Reasons Not to Call Your Child Shy,” by Laurie Hoffman, PhD.